Love Languages in Quarantine: How to Give and Show Love While Stuck at Home
Being in quarantine has a lot of disadvantages; not being able to go outside, not going to your favorite restaurants, distanced learning and working… it’s stressful and being with your family all hours of the day can cause even the most connected families to feel tense! As psychologists, we often teach families that they may be missing moments where they can connect with their family throughout the say, simply because they are missing the signs of what their family members need to feel loved and appreciated!
That’s where the Love Languages come in… Have you heard of the Love Languages? Dr. Gary Chapman developed the Love Language theory from his own work with couples and families. He explains that, just like how every person in a family has different personalities, each member of the family has a unique way that they express love! Some people express their love by giving gifts or giving lots of hugs and cuddles, others by using their words to express how their feeling, and others prefer doing things for their loved ones or dedicating one-on-one time with them to show how they feel. Dr. Chapman discovered that most people fall into 5 categories of Love Languages, based on the way that they express their love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, and Physical Touch. The interesting thing that he discovered about these Love Languages is that, not only is a person’s primary Love Language the way they express love but receiving love in this way is often the way a person feels the most loved as well!
When people begin to feel unappreciated or unloved by their loved ones, Dr. Chapman believes that it may be a result of the people we love expressing their affection for us in a way that does not align with our particular Love Language. Psychologists who work with families and couples often explain the Love Languages to those they work with to help them discover small changes they can make in their emotional expression to help their families feel more loved and appreciated every day. In this blog, I will discuss each of the Love Languages in detail and provide some suggestions for how best to connect with your children and/or partner during quarantine to help them (and YOU!) feel more love.
Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation
Those whose primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation tend to express their love most through verbal and written words. This can involve praise, compliments, or overall positive statements that show connectedness to a person’s loved ones! It is common for people with this Love Language to write little love notes, or simply say things that they appreciate about their family or partners. While this is the way that they express love, this may also be the way that they feel the most loved. If your loved one seems to go out of their way to tell you all the things you do that make them happy, try to do the same for them! If your child has this love language, they may often tell you how much they love them and may seek out words of affirmation from you as well! Here are some ways to show someone whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation that you love them as much as they love you:
Labeled Praises- Tell them exactly what they do throughout the day that you appreciate
Compliments- “You look beautiful today,” “I’m so proud of you,” or “You’re such an amazing artist!”- taking time to notice little things that you love about your family can make them feel great!
Love Notes- This doesn’t need to be a sonnet or poem; Little handwritten gestures of love can really help this Love Language feel loved. It’s the little extra effort involved that can make a person feel really special.
Love Language 2: Acts of Service
A person who aligns with this Love Language may feel most loved when they notice others doing things for them without being asked and express their love in this way as well! Someone whose Love Language is Acts of Service is the person who may do a lot of the cooking, cleaning, or running errands for the ones they love. They often feel that the time they take out of their day to do things for their family shows that they love and appreciate them. In order to feel the most loved by others, this Love Language benefits from family members doing things for them without being asked or told to do so! This could mean that someone in the family cleans up the kitchen after the Acts of Service person has cooked, or someone offers to help them do something to take it off their plate. If your child has this Love Language, they may love to help out around the house or may love being given little tasks for them to do on their own. Here are some suggestions of ways to show those whose Love Language is Acts of Service a little more love during quarantine:
Surprise a family member and choose a task that everyone has been putting off (dusting, cleaning out a closet or garage, organizing the kitchen, etc.)! An Acts of Service family member will feel so loved and appreciated when someone takes this initiative
Give children who have this Love Language small tasks they can do independently. This will help them feel a sense of accomplishment and contribution to the family, and also sets up good habits for the future!
Going out of your way to help them with a task they are already doing!
Love Language 3: Quality Time
You may know a family member has this Love Language as their primary if they seem to thrive from undivided attention. People who feel love from Quality Time often need time with their loved ones away from the distractions of the rest of the world to feel appreciated. Children with this Love Language may seem like they constantly need one-on-one attention and that they seem to thrive off of special time with each member of their family. This can be hard in quarantine when there are so many things going on at once and so many distractions at our fingertips, via television and other forms of technology. While sitting and watching Netflix may be something that a person with this Love Language as their primary appreciates, they crave time where they are fully connected to their family members throughout the day. Here are some suggestions of ways to help a Quality Time family member to feel the most love during quarantine:
Do things together that involve communication and collaboration: cooking, going for a walk, riding bikes, playing games that involve building or collaboration, etc.
Try to have one on one time as much as possible with this loved one. They love having family time but can benefit from doing special things one on one with each family member to feel appreciated.
Trying something you’ve never tried before! Creating special and unique moments are key for this Love Language. Maybe it’s building a 1,000-piece puzzle, or maybe it’s creating an art sculpture out of things you find around the house! Creative outlets of collaboration and expression are great for those with this Love Language.
Love Language 4: Giving Gifts
A lot of people hear this Love Language and think it is materialistic, but that really isn’t the case! Those whose primary love language is Giving Gifts will often show they love and appreciate someone by giving them small tokens or mementos that show they are thinking of them. This could be something small, like cutting a flower in the garden for them, or getting them new pajamas to stay comfy and cozy in quarantine. For children with this Love Language, they love being given things that they can hold onto that shows you love them. While we all know that kids love gadgets and expensive gifts, they also love little things that show you care! They also love to give you things, including things they made, or sharing things with you that are meaningful to them. Here are some suggestions of ways to show those with this Love Language you love them during quarantine:
Try to find creative ways to keep milestones special! Whether it’s a birthday or an anniversary, giving someone the gift of their favorite treats or a gift during these times shows that, even though quarantine has changed the way we celebrate, there are some things that remain the same!
Expressing gratitude when receiving a gift! Nothing is worse for this Love Language than someone that seems unimpressed with a gift. No matter how small, you can really show your love by being enthusiastic when receiving a gift from your child or partner!
Get creative with the little things! Doing scavenger hunts or treasure hunts during quarantine is a fun way to get active with your family, but also to provide someone with a Gift Giving/Receiving Love Language with a fun way to get little rewards to make quarantine more fun!
Love Language 5: Physical Touch
While all of the Love Languages can be things that each of us appreciate from our loved ones, for some, all they need is to be close to their family to feel connected! Those whose primary Love Language is Physical Touch crave physical connection: hugs, kisses, and cuddling are obvious ways to show love, but things like tickling, wrestling, and other forms of playful touching can also be ways that this Love Language feels loved and appreciated! Children with this love language are often really physical in their cuddle time and also their play time! They love having close, connected time whether it be in play or in quiet time. Here are some suggestions of ways to show those who crave Physical Touch that you love them during quarantine:
Dedicating time for cuddling at the beginning and end of the day. It doesn’t have to be long- 5 to 10 minutes of close physical connection can help a person feel loved throughout the day!
Hugs, kisses, holding hands, back rubs, etc. Little gestures can show someone you care, and it doesn’t take long to do!
For active kids, wrestling or tickling play can be really fun for them (and for you!) and can also give them that dose of affection they need to feel connected.
If you don’t know which Love Language you or your family members align with, take the quiz and find out! This can be a great way to have a discussion with your family about how you express your love and how you want to be loved in return. During this time when we are all in such close quarters with each other, having a discussion like this can build intimacy within your family and help you find ways to connect with each member of your family in ways you may never have before!
-Written by: Dr. Shannon McHugh, PsyD.-